In the latest episode of our podcast, we delve into the transformative journey of bestselling author Paul Zolman, who turned his experiences of adversity into a powerful advocacy for love and resilience. This episode, titled “Transforming Adversity through Love and Resilience with Paul Zolman,” is a heartfelt exploration of how love languages can be pivotal tools in overcoming abuse and fostering supportive environments.
Paul Zolman’s journey from a childhood marked by various forms of abuse, including verbal, social, and economic, to becoming a beacon of hope and love, is nothing short of inspiring. His story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of love to heal and transform. One of the standout tools that Paul developed from his experiences is the Love Language Dice Game. This innovative game helps people intuitively recognize and respond to others’ love languages, promoting more supportive and loving environments.
The episode begins with Paul sharing his personal journey, reflecting on how his early struggles shaped his resilience and drive. Despite the economic hardships and abuse he faced, Paul found ways to channel his struggles into entrepreneurial ventures, such as scrapping copper and selling toffees. These experiences not only honed his resourcefulness but also laid the groundwork for his later efforts to break the cycle of abuse and foster a loving family environment. This segment of the episode underscores the importance of perseverance and the effort required to cultivate healthier behaviors and relationships.
As we move deeper into the conversation, Paul introduces the concept of the Love Language Dice Game. He explains how this tool helps individuals practice giving love in various forms daily, thereby fostering a more loving and responsive environment. By focusing on the positive aspects of people rather than their faults, Paul emphasizes the importance of creating joyful and supportive relationships. This practical approach to love languages encourages observing and responding to others’ love languages naturally, removing the guesswork and fostering a sense of curiosity and adventure.
The discussion then shifts to the broader impact of recognizing and responding to others’ love languages. Paul shares practical methods for conveying love through simple gestures like high fives, fist bumps, and intimate handshakes, making the expression of love both fun and socially acceptable. He illustrates how personalized gestures can reveal true preferences, demonstrating that actions often speak louder than words or surveys. This segment highlights the importance of removing judgment and fostering a sense of curiosity and adventure in expressing love.
One of the most profound segments of the episode centers on the impact of love languages and personal experiences on emotional well-being. Paul recounts a dark period of physical abuse and contemplation of self-harm, underscoring the importance of kindness, self-worth, and community support. By encouraging acts of kindness and connection, Paul highlights the transformative effect these actions can have on both the giver and the receiver, ultimately fostering a sense of purpose and self-value.
The conversation then shifts to the educational sphere, where Paul discusses the impact of the Love Language Dice Game in classrooms. This simple tool, which can be used even by young children who can’t yet read, helps shift focus from faults to positive traits in peers. By rolling the cube at the beginning of the day to set a behavioral goal, followed by journaling about observed opportunities and actions taken, students are encouraged to monitor their own behavior and support one another. This activity not only calms students at the end of the day but also reduces the need for teacher and principal intervention. By the end of the school year, students create a love journal, documenting their growth in kindness and positive interactions, which can be a cherished keepsake for both students and parents.
Paul’s story and the tools he has developed, such as the Love Language Dice Game, offer valuable insights for anyone looking to overcome adversity and enrich their relationships. His journey from hardship to hope underscores the effort required to break the cycle of abuse and cultivate a loving family environment. By exploring the profound impact of kindness, self-worth, and community support, Paul provides actionable advice and heartening stories to guide listeners on their journey toward a more loving and supportive life.
In conclusion, this episode is a powerful testament to the transformative power of love and resilience. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or someone seeking more love in your life, the insights and tools shared by Paul Zolman offer a roadmap to overcoming adversity and fostering supportive relationships. Don’t miss this inspiring discussion, and be sure to share it with those who might benefit from these transformative ideas.
Episode Transcript
Julie Hilsen:
Hello, friends, and welcome to another episode of Life of Love, where we gather every week to explore our hearts and ways we can show up with our authentic being, whether it’s a day that’s hard to be in love or a day where it’s easy. We cherish it all and our divine calling to show up, because every day that we have the breath in our lungs we’re gifted. And I don’t take it lightly that I have these listeners that tune in and we have this community of people who want to show up in their best loving self. And then I get wonderful, beautiful guests like Paul Zolman, who’s going to be our featured guest today.
Julie Hilsen:
Journey to Find Love
He has just had a journey. He’s had a journey of finding love through uncharted paths. He’s written a bestselling book called the Role of Love. He’s written a bestselling book called the Role of Love. He’s written a best-selling book called the Role of Love and in it he details how God desires that we find our way back to his pure love. And sometimes it’s difficult situations that lead you to that realization. So I’m just really honored to have Paul here. We’re going to pick his brain, we’re going to talk about play, we’re going to talk about connection and just really inspiring. So again, paul, welcome to Life of Love, so honored to have you here today.
Paul Zolman:
Thank you, Julia. So it’s such an honor to be with you today too, and we have the same affection for love and the same topic that we’re studying, that we’re talking to people about and that we’re passionate about. I love that.
Julie Hilsen:
Thanks again for being here. And, paul, would you want to be open to share how you gain the courage Because your path is definitely a unique path and everyone’s path is different Could share how you gained the courage to openly talk and write about love from your situation?
Paul Zolman:
Thank you, julie, for that. I think that courage comes in a lot of different ways to a lot of different people, but for me it came from a distaste for what was going on in my life. I was raised in abuse. I was raised in all sorts of different kinds of abuse. There was verbal abuse, there was social abuse, economic abuse. There was just all kinds of abuse. The economic abuse.
Overcoming Economic and Physical Abuse
Paul Zolman:
When I remember my parents, I was like 10 years old or five years old not five, but probably between eight and 10 years old and they said I had to go find $5 for myself to be able to pay the fee. And back in the day $5 was a lot of money to pay the fee so that I could play baseball if I wanted to play baseball. And it really gave me that drive, julia, to be able to go out there, find what I needed to find and be able to make it happen. And I did that for a little while and every year was the same and it was just the kind of the poverty that we lived in that I learned all these things. But I learned also to be critical of other people and I learned what’s wrong with other people. I wanted to get away from that. So that’s kind of the start of my journey. That was the impetus for it to be motivated me to want to change.
Julie Hilsen:
Wow. So I’m sure you got to be very creative and you’re probably. Your parents were probably lucky that you didn’t actually steal the money, because they didn’t doesn’t sound like they gave you parameters, right. They’re just like go get the money and then it wasn’t just one lesson, they made you do it over and over. And you know this idea of economic abuse like that. That is sort of a new concept to me because I’ve never really looked at it, but it’s come up a couple of times in the last few days about you know, come up a couple times in the last few days about finances and using them as a toxicity. So, yeah, that lack of abundance and the whole idea that it was all in your if you wanted to play a sport, it was sort of up to you. I bet you really showed up and you honored that time on the team.
Paul Zolman:
Well, it was really like I said, it was a great motivation, but that was really the least of all the abuses. Physical abuse was probably the most, the very worst, but the economic abuse. I lived in and down that alley there was a plumbing supply and they would throw out copper wire and they throw out the little little pieces of copper and I’d scrap all that copper and sometimes there was brass and I’d scrap that all, pile it all together and then I take it down to a place called Pacific High Denver and trade it in for money, real money.
Julie Hilsen:
And it was awesome.
Paul Zolman:
I had this little business that I was doing. I remember at 12 years old I had an opportunity to go to Canada. I lived in Great Falls, montana, just a couple of hundred miles south of the border of Canada. So we go across the border and I remember 12 years old I had just a little bit of money in my pocket. But I remember these, these Macintosh caramel toffee the English toffee is what it was and I tasted it and it was so good I was buying up for 10 cents in Canada, bring up across the border. I sell them 25 cents to my friends, and so I had this entrepreneurial spirit. I knew this is really the ticket. This is the ticket out of this situation that I’m in is that I can buy and sell and be more entrepreneurish in that way. So really I don’t look at that as a bad thing, that financial stress that was in my family. I look at it as this was a training ground, a proving ground for me to launch into other things that would be most helpful to me and to my family.
Julie Hilsen:
I love that and how you took the difficult situation and you’ve turned it upside down and the fact that you have eight successful, wonderful children and I think you said 17 grandchildren that you weren’t diverted. I mean, you were challenged and you rose to the top on that. So you felt like God gave you challenges and you decided you’re going to show up for your kids in a different way. But did you have to relearn these things? Did you have to relearn these things, like so many times when you’re growing up, if you’ve talked about this on the show before, until you’re like seven or eight, you just take everything as this is truth, even if it’s not. It doesn’t serve your consciousness Like you absorb things subconsciously.
Love Language Dice and Relationships
Julie Hilsen:
So, yeah, I guess you know I’m always curious as to how the path someone takes to break the cycle and the work that you’ve done, because it’s not a coincidence that you’ve overcome these things and you haven’t repeated. Or if you repeated, you were conscious and didn’t do it again. But yeah, could you share a little bit about that journey? And you know how you came to write a book? I mean not every man, your age and your demographic wants to write a book. I mean not every man your age and your demographic wants to write a book about love. That takes a lot of guts. I’m just saying you can say who gives you the right to talk about love, but I believe it’s your faith, so I’d love some insight.
Paul Zolman:
Thank you, julie. That’s a great question and you know, when we had a little pre-talk before the show I mentioned, I only had eight children. I say that in kind of unjust, but it’s in truth. I’m number 10 of 11 children and my grandfather had 19 children, of which my father’s like number 15 or 16. I can’t remember, but I think he’s number 16. But the large families started with my grandfather and then my father toned it down, only had 11. I only have eight, but my kids are only having three children. I don’t get that. I want more grandchildren.
Paul Zolman:
Julie, I don’t know how to fix that, but it’s one of those things that I grew up as a fixer and a lot of men have that characteristic that they want to fix things, and my father was a fixer. He was a mechanic by trade, so he invariably always ran into things that he needed to fix mechanically with the cars, with the trucks, with the diesel he was a diesel mechanic, so the trucks that he had to repair. He was a fixer. So we’re trying to fix problems and so we always look at problems. That’s part of the culture that I grew up in, and as we look at problems we’re trying to say what’s wrong with that person, or what’s wrong with this situation, and it’s more the critical slant. And I really wanted to get away from that, julie. I just I thought why can’t I think about maybe the 80 to 90% of that person? That’s good. Why do I have to think about the 10 to 20% of that person that has a fault? Because I have faults too. Why am I looking there? And if I express their faults or talk about their faults, guess what’s going to happen to me. They’re going to look at me and they’re going to talk about my faults. Why would I even choose to do that? So I thought what would happen, what would it take? And how do I get from there to looking at what’s right about people, what’s good about them, what can I love about them? And I realized that I was looking this direction for the faults and this direction is the direction I wanted to look for looking at what’s right about them Opposite polar opposites of where I grew up, and I thought I needed a tool.
Paul Zolman:
And then, when I was reading the five love languages and trying to overcome this, I thought this is a really good theory, but the application that Dr Chapman had wasn’t working for me From where I came from. It absolutely wasn’t working. You mean, dr Chapman, that if I guess what Julie’s love language is and if I cater to that, we’re going to be buddies. I’m a bad guesser. It hasn’t worked up until this time, but it’s not going to work. And it was and it didn’t work. And then the second thing that Dr Chapman had was well, paul, if you take this survey, then you’ll find out what your love language is. Well, julie, what the heck, dr Chapman? What the heck am I supposed to do with that Advertise? Hello Julie, I’m gifts. What do you have for me today? So awkward, that wasn’t working and it didn’t even sound like love.
Paul Zolman:
I realized through this whole process, julie, I realized that I can’t bid love to come my way. And then, as I thought about, well, what do I have control over? And I realized I have control over giving it away and responding when it comes my way. Those are the only two things I have control over, because if I ask Julie, what’s your love language, so I’m going to cater to you Then you tell me, and then I forget or I don’t do it. And Julie’s coming back to me and said well, I told you in my love language. Why aren’t you doing it? You get that little whiny voice and I don’t want the whiny voice and you don’t want it either. So the best thing to do is watch.
Paul Zolman:
So I created from the love languages. I created a dice that I created my own icons. Put the love languages on there. I created a dice that I created my own icons, put the love languages on there, and so you can see it. I’m holding it for those listeners. I’m holding a dice.
Paul Zolman:
There’s five love languages on the dice. The first one I’m holding up has a hand holding an hourglass. The hourglass is what measures time. These are all pictures, no words. The second one looks like a waiter holding a platter. That would represent service. Third side has two hands, like the Taylor Swift heart that she sends out to her parents in the audience or to loved ones in the audience. She sends that out to them. But this one is different. It has a little conversation fly out from the heart. Those would be the words of the heart, the I love you’s, the compliments, that sort of thing. That’s what you do that day. The next one is two hands touching one another. That would represent touch. And then, of course, the last one is a hand holding a gift representing gifts.
Paul Zolman:
Five love languages, six sides on the dice. The sixth side is a hand holding a question mark. That surprised me. I named it surprised me. So, julie, there’s just two instructions for the game. You roll the dice every day. Whatever it lands on, that is the love language you practice giving away all day, that day, all day, to everybody. So it’s different from what Dr Chapman’s book said. Dr Chapman made it more a romantic type thing finding out what your love language of your significant other. I created this when I was single. I didn’t have a significant other and I said, dr Chapman, who the heck am I supposed to love? And I looked around.
Paul Zolman:
I said oh, I get to love everybody. This was perfect because I needed to change a habit of being critical of everybody and I needed an equal situation on the other side to be able to break that habit of being critical. I needed to be able to love everybody. So it’s a total replacement, a total replacement behavior. As I’m rolling the dice, it sets the theme for the day, it sets the tone for the day, sets the tone for the day and I’m. It’s a, it’s an icon, it’s a picture. So it’s in my mind.
The Power of Love Languages
Paul Zolman:
If I say the word elephant, julie, you’re not seeing e, le, p, h, a and T in your mind. You’re seeing the picture as I roll the dice and see the picture. I can see the picture all day long. What did I roll? This morning takes less than two seconds to set the tone for the day, and you’re watching for opportunities all day long. Now, julie, as you’re watching for these opportunities and giving that love away in that vernacular, what you’re watching for is people that light up. When they light up. Now you’ve discovered what their primary or secondary love language is. No longer do you have to say excuse me, can we pause this relationship for just a moment? I’ll have you take this survey, so I know how to love you.
Julie Hilsen:
That’s awkward.
Paul Zolman:
I’ve solved the awkward problems, Julie.
Julie Hilsen:
Well, I just I applaud you on several levels, because one, you took yourself out of judgment. Because one you took yourself out of judgment, like to criticize other people, that means you’re judging them. And then when you start realizing that you’re judging, then you realize how you’re judging yourself and that’s a huge roadblock for love is judgment, because people are showing up in their best way. If they can’t show up in their best way, there’s usually some underlying thing they’re hungry, they’re disappointed, they feel neglected, they feel abandonment, like they’re they’re proven things that block people from showing up as their best selves and and so that whole thing about you recognizing that you are judging, and then you can catch yourself judging yourself, and that’s a huge block to receiving love is when you’re in this state of you don’t feel you’re good enough, because that’s when you’re judging yourself, because you’re like trying to improve yourself and you’re not showing up. And then the other thing I really adore about this is it’s a game. You know like we’re supposed to have joy. Love is supposed to be curious and adventuresome, and the whole idea that it’s a dice. You’re just bringing levity to it, and I read the love languages too, and men are from Mars and women are from Venus and all that, and it’s just like ugh. And you know, could I get my husband to read those things? No, that, and it’s just like ah. And you know, could I get my husband to read those things? No, he just wants, he just wants me to, to show him I love him and and have nice meals for him. And he’s very simple. My husband’s a very simple, you know, wonderful, solid guy. He’s, he’s a tourist and and he’s he’s just my rock. You know, like I’m not going to dissect his needs because it’s not magical, it’s not fun. So you’ve created this, the dice that shows you can show love in different ways. And then it’s to me. I don’t have the dice yet, but to me it would be fun to see how different people react to the different love languages.
Julie Hilsen:
And then you get to know people around you and it’s like you said, it’s set up as a game, it’s set up as an adventure, a curiosity Like how does you know how’s my neighbor going to respond? I don’t, some of those might be tricky, like the touch thing in our society. How do you, you know, if you said you did this before you were married? And you know, like your kids you can. You can touch them and and like friends, you can give them a tap on the shoulder Good job or whatever. But like strangers that touch things a little awkward. Can you project that? Or how do you? How do you work around the touch If you’re just in your community you don’t want to be, that’s a great, you can be the creepy guy if you want to, but no, no, that’s not a good choice.
Paul Zolman:
Yeah, julie, that’s a great question. You wonder how political people do it. And, yes, you’ll see them. You’ll see them holding their hands out and they’re going just down the road with the high fives. So that’s one way.
Paul Zolman:
Okay, a high five, the high five is pretty acceptable. The knuckles, the fist bump is also very, very. You know it was so funny. I thought this was interesting. In college football all the guys when they make a touchdown they’ll do the chest bump. But it was interesting. This last March I saw that women in the NBA they’ll do the chest bump. But it was interesting. This last March I saw that women in the NBA were also doing a chest bump.
Paul Zolman:
I thought that’s kind of weird but it was the touch, it was just something that they were doing and it was a little bit more than the high five. But another thing that you could do is create an intimate handshake. You know, maybe it has six steps, maybe it has 10 steps, but just a fun handshake and you’ve seen it. I know everybody’s seen those type of handshakes and you wonder, I want to be in on that, but it’s just for those two people and it’s intimate, it really is, and it’s just one of those things that just develop a handshake, a special handshake with someone like that. It doesn’t hugs, obviously pats on the back, has to be above the waist, but it’s just one of those things that you just figure it out and you just watch the reaction. You’re using your observation skills probably more than you ever would, trying to understand how they’re reacting to love, and that’s the whole idea of this. People react totally differently. You know, I was working with a couple here locally and she took the test, dr Chapman’s test, and it said she was service. So the guy’s breaking his back doing all this service. She’s not happy. I said what? And he said he’s telling me, talking to me. He said what the heck? And I gave him a dice. He said the day that I rolled words and started practicing the vocabulary and start practicing kindness in that way sending love in a note or in just the words in the compliments. All of a sudden she lights up the words and the compliments. All of a sudden she lights up and he realized that’s what she likes. And so the survey. You can skew a survey, but you really can’t skew those reactions when people really like what you’re sending to them. So this is really a whole lot more accurate to watch, to send it out one theme a day. Even it’s like, julie, if you boxed yourself into that love language test and you had one or maybe two primary love languages boxed it in that, and it would be like feeding someone tacos every meal, every day of their life, the rest of their life, because you told me that’s what you want and I know you like tacos, so that’s what you’re going to eat the rest of their life. Because you told me that’s what you want and I know you like tacos, so that’s what you’re going to eat the rest of the day. This gives you variety and it provides that variety is the spice of life. This helps you practice different and watch the reactions. In a day you may light up between 3 and 10 people. Find what your record is. How many people can you light up in a day? And it becomes that motivation going out and doing loving things to people. You’re not cutting them off in traffic.
Paul Zolman:
I was just helping someone move a little bit earlier today. Today I was helping them move and the woman that was it’s a couple, an elderly couple. The woman had this cute little Barbie set of tools. I mean they’re pink, everything’s pink, everything I mean in the holder for the drill bits, it was all pink.
Paul Zolman:
And so I’m using this Barbie kit and then it dies and it didn’t have enough power in it or something, and I said your Barbie tool or your Barbie toys stopped working. I said it like that too and I really could have said something like thank you for sharing your Barbie toys with me, and I could have made it a whole lot more positive. But I said your Barbie tool died or your Barbie toy died, and it was almost was a put down that way, but I could have done it with gratitude a lot Thank you for sharing your Barbie toys with me, and it just. There’s a huge difference there Maybe a slight difference, but it makes a big difference when, when, how they receive it. It could have lit her up, made it humorous and had had a fun time with that. That’s what you’re looking for.
The Power of Kindness and Love
Julie Hilsen:
Yeah, that intention is huge and I just see you as like a Cupid with a wand. You’re going around sparkling these people and then it gets to the point where you know we’re we’re not the same every day, and so to to you’re right to put it in a box to say Oh’m, I’m service and I’m words, even if you’re a hybrid, even if you score like half and half, you know it, it’s just like you said, it’s routine, it’s mundane, it’s predictable, and you might not even realize what your love language is, because so many women live in the reflection of other people’s approval that they’ll just say what they think. They think it is, but they really haven’t explored it, and they probably will learn something from themselves to be like oh, today’s a it’s a word day. You know like, and then I could see it really being a fun way to interact with your significant other or, like you said, just anybody in your life. If they start to see the pattern of the day, it’s beautiful.
Paul Zolman:
I think that’s a really good point, julie, that you’re making. If you grew up with one thing like I did, physical touch was the thing that I grew up with, but it was in a very negative tone. I remember being spanked one time so hard that I was black and blue for three weeks on my rear side, and it was not a happy thing. I just I thought that I could take my own life at that point in time, that I was worthless and I had a had a pocket knife that had a little one, one inch blade. That one inch blade I thought, you know, I put it to my chest and I actually just tried poking myself a little bit. Just, I didn’t like the poking and I thought this hurts and I said that one inch blade is not even going to touch my heart, it’s not going to do anything, it’s just going to hurt me and they’re going to be mad that I hurt myself and I’m going to get spanked again.
Julie Hilsen:
You’re going to get beaten again yeah.
Paul Zolman:
I talked myself out of it, absolutely talked myself out of it, and I think that we really need to send out kindness and send out love a whole lot more. So we really never get to that point that if someone is distressed and hopefully they’re not distressed because of what I said Hopefully they’ve been lifted up because of what I said. Hopefully they’ll make better choices or talk themselves out of doing a bad thing, like I talked myself out of it. Just realize that it’s not in their best interest to take their life. Realize it’s not in the best interest to hurt someone else because they’re hurting themselves. It’s not in the best interest to hurt someone else because they’re hurting themselves. It’s not in their best interest.
Love Language Dice Game Impace
Paul Zolman:
It’s going to be in their best interest to allow people to serve them, allow people to love on them. But if they sit in that chair in their room, it’s not going to happen. The healing won’t happen. They’ve got to get up, walk the neighborhood. I can guarantee that they’ll find someone in the neighborhood that’s lower than they are, that they can lift up and as they reach down and that person is reaching up, it helps them change their whole attitude that they are worth something. They are worth something to that person. They’re a savior to that person, something they are worth something to that person.
Julie Hilsen:
They’re a savior to that person, something that can help them. Beautiful and that lead by example is the hugest, hugest message. Um, and you had a really brilliant video on your website with the teacher and she had the dice for her room, or I guess it’s a die, it’s just one single die, but nobody says die, everyone says dice.
Paul Zolman:
Well, if you’re in Ireland, they say dice they say dice in Ireland yeah, in Ireland I did a couple of Irish podcasts and they said why are you saying die? Sounds like you’re gonna die, sounds like being it’s associated with with them. So so I changed it from that podcast. I call it a cube most of the time.
Julie Hilsen:
Oh, a cube. Okay, so the cube is in some classrooms and I would love for you to share the feedback from the children Because, like you said, it’s icons, it’s all visual, so it can be for kindergartners who can’t read, or preschoolers. I mean, the application’s endless. So, yeah, if you could share a little bit about how it’s transformed teachers in classrooms.
Paul Zolman:
Absolutely, julie, and you, being a mother, would know more than anything that as you’re teaching children, children can learn a lot better. If it’s a game, if it’s fun, it will be done. As the saying goes a game, it’s going to happen for that child. This is a game that really is to help those children. Look that direction that I needed to look myself. Look at the 80 to 90% of what’s good about that person. Stop looking at the 10 to 20% of the faults of that person. Everybody has them, you have them, I have them. And if we can teach them to recognize that everybody’s got faults, quit looking at that. Focus on what’s right about that person. It’s like a magnifying glass and this is the easiest way to teach it that, as a magnifying glass makes things bigger If we’re focusing on the faults of another person, why in the heck do we want those faults to grow bigger? If we’re annoyed at them right now, what will we be when they grow bigger? Quit focusing on those faults. As we focus on the good things, those things will also grow bigger and we’ll be a lot happier watching that maturation of that individual and it’s happening in the classroom.
Paul Zolman:
At the beginning of the day, the teacher or student will roll the dice. It takes two seconds. I know those teachers are busy. I know they don’t want more curriculum in the classroom. This is just an activity. It takes very little time. That’s what happens at the beginning of the day. The teacher might take 30 or 40 seconds, julie, to say class. This is the type of behavior that would look like. That’s what we’re looking for today. Watch for those opportunities to do that kind of behavior.
Paul Zolman:
Then at the end of the day I’ve got a PDF of a journal page that says what they rolled opportunities they saw to love in that way. Then what they did about those opportunities becomes a love journal. So the teacher is given that PDF to print as many as they need for their classroom. Pass it around. I’ve talked with teachers all around the world, julie. Every teacher says the same thing. The last 10 to 15 minutes is really non-productive time of the school day. The kids have been there all day. They’re antsy. They know the bell’s going to ring. Their minds are mush. They can’t absorb one more thing. So if they can’t absorb one more thing, what?
Paul Zolman:
they do need is a decompression activity. Journal writing is a decompression activity. Calm them down. Calm them down before you send them back to the parents. Calm them down before you send them to extracurricular activities. Calm them down before those kids get in a fight at the end of school, after school’s out off campus. Calm them down. That’s what this journal writing does. It also helps that student focus on helping one another. They’re not going to be looking the other direction, faulting one another and being bullies. They’re going to work on being facilitators for helping others feel loved, helping others feel valued, helping others feel that kindness from another individual, helping them feel like they really mean something, that they are sufficient, they are enough. Helping them feel that maybe those kids are not feeling at home. Another student can help in that way. Second thing it does is now the teacher is not monitoring the behavior as much as she used to, nor is the principal monitoring the behavior. Guess what the kids are monitoring their own behavior at age six and seven and eight and nine.
Inspiring Games for Changing Mindsets
Paul Zolman:
It took me, julie, until age 35 before I realized, oh, I’m responsible for my own behavior, because I was blaming my father for all these things that were passed down, generational things that were passed down and I was just kind of following through with that. I didn’t want that to pass down to the next generation For my family. I didn’t want to pass it to my kids and thankfully most of them are just a whole lot more positive than I ever was during the time they were with me. Now I’m trying to catch up with them and it’s working that way. So we want them to take that responsibility early on and be able to do that. And the third thing or the fourth thing I forgot what I’m on. But the last thing is that now the teacher just puts a check mark, gives the journal page back to the child that a student parent. When the child brings that page home, the student parent will say oh, that’s really cool, what you did today, what you loved doing today. I’m going to put that in a notebook. They keep that in chronological order.
Paul Zolman:
Now, at the end of the school year, what do you have? You have a love journal for that first grader or that third grader or that sixth grader or whatever grade. You’ve got a love journal for that child. Julie, I remember my first grade teacher and I remember her very lovingly. She was elderly. I say elderly I’m probably saying she was when she was teaching, but she was just a few years from retirement from teaching. But Mrs Rogers was so nice. I remember her by name and I remember how I felt during that time. I wish I would have had a love journal.
Paul Zolman:
What did I love about Mrs Rogers? Why was it different from my home life? And I’m sure it was absolutely different from my home life? And I’m sure it was absolutely different from my home life and I wanted to go to school. It motivated me to want to be there in that classroom all day long with Mrs Rogers. I don’t remember. Second, I don’t remember third, fourth or fifth grade. I do remember sixth grade, but the significance of Mrs Rogers in that first grade year was just powerful. It changed my life.
Julie Hilsen:
Rogers in that first grade year was it was just powerful. It changed my life. Yeah, and it’s a redirect. I mean, I’ve worked with young children and even children with attention deficit and if they’re doing something that isn’t a desired behavior, whatever it is, the best way is to redirect this child, because shaming them and this path of you know child, because shaming them and and this path, of you know.
Julie Hilsen:
You know redirection is the first thing that you learn, and so this is a really a that’s a concrete. Everybody can be on the same page. We’re redirecting, let’s, let’s get, let’s get your check, and then just the whole idea that you’re celebrating service, you’re highlighting positive conduct, but love, I mean the end of the day. You can be like, look at all the sparkle you guys added to your day, look at all the love you brought to this classroom, to this school, and so I applaud. I think it’s just brilliant. I love how you put the journal with it and the decompression you know it is. And so many times when my kids were in elementary school, the end of the day they give like treats, like candy, and then put them on the bus and they were just nuts. So and I knew it I was like gosh, stop.
Julie Hilsen:
You know they give them Smarties and it’s cute because you know Smarties at school but, Smarties are not a great thing, you know, for kids that don’t get all that much sugar. So, anyway, we struggled with the whole idea that, you know, the student who shines can be the student who rolls the dice the next day, the cube the next day. So you can just see how this just builds and it just becomes this foundation of just positivity, which is so needed, and parents can learn from their kids these acts of love and you know to come home and be like Mom, you made a really good dinner. Wow, you never said that before. Well, I’m supposed to do kind words, Mom. And beautiful, right, right. I mean I can just see the applications and I feel, in the connections all around us, the beauty that this has brought to the world and the joy. So thank you so much for sharing this. It’s just amazing, Paul.
Paul Zolman:
Thank you, julian. Thank you for letting me be on your show. I get very excited about it. I’m very passionate about it. I think there’s opportunity for change. I’m not so much concerned about selling it and making money about it. I’m more concerned about that the love be shared with as many people as possible. So if you’ve got a classroom that you’d like to have this.
Paul Zolman:
I found some corporate sponsors as well that have what they do Like. For example, in this community we’ve got a corporate sponsor that’s Yogurtland, a Yogurtland franchisee, and what he provides is if they’ll do it for 15 days of the month, they get five ounces of yogurt for free. But if they’ll do it almost every single day of the month, if the child will do it every single day of the month, they get 25 days of recording in the journal, 25 check marks. Then they’ll get 10 ounces of yogurt for free and obviously it helps him too. The child can’t. Most likely he’s not going to appear at Yogurtland all by himself. He’s going to take the parents. There’s going to be other sales. That happens. It helps the corporate people as well and those corporate sponsors really get a lot of recognition for for just supporting kindness in this way and it really is a great, great way for them to participate in a love revolution, so to speak.
Julie Hilsen:
Yes, and it’s not on the phone, it’s on this plane. We were talking about that. I had a digital fly before we started recording. There’s a digital fly on my wall.
Paul Zolman:
And.
Julie Hilsen:
I was like I couldn’t get it off the wall and here it is on my screen and the screens can be so deceiving. That was so enlightening for me to go through that and be like what’s on my wall? And you’re like, no, that’s not reality, that’s just on your screen, you know. So this constant checking of what’s real and what’s not with these phones, right, and so I love to play games. When we get away with my family and we can pull out a game to play, it’s always laughter and fun and real connection. Absolutely, I think that it’s just an amazing gift. Again, what was your website?
Paul Zolman:
It’s called Roll of Love. Yeah, thank you, julie, it’s rolloflovecom. It’s kind of a play on words. R-o-l-l, julie, is what you do outside of you, r-o-l-e is what changes you within. So I use the R-O-L-E rolloflovecom.
Julie Hilsen:
Okay with the E, okay, great. And so teachers are out there. You’re looking for an end of the year school classroom gift, or you know, this would be a great, a great thing, and even if the teacher already has one, I’m sure she could re-gift it or he could re-gift it. I don’t want to say only women are teachers. They could re-gift, or they could have another one for their house gift, or they could have another one for their house, or the best student could take one home. I could see a classroom could use more than one.
Paul Zolman:
So I think it’s brilliant. That’s what we’re looking for the corporate sponsors as well. So if they’ll provide the dice for the classroom. You know, julie, I was thinking about this today that it’s interesting that if someone else rolls the die, there might be a disconnect with ownership on the set While that person rolled the die. I don’t have to do that today for myself, and maybe it’s better if all the students have their own die, that they’re rolling it themselves and they’re taking that individual and taking ownership of themselves. I’m not sure, and that thought just occurred to me. Maybe there’s that disconnect, possibly. I’m not sure, and that thought just occurred to me. Maybe there’s that disconnect, possibly.
Julie Hilsen:
I’m not sure. If it’s out there, yeah, and then everyone would be doing different roles.
Paul Zolman:
Correct.
Julie Hilsen:
And so you could pick oh, you could pick which one they were doing and see if you’re right or not. That’s like a really fun and they’d learn to eliminate and that’s a higher cognitive function, like well he’s not service.
Julie Hilsen:
So it’s the other four or the other five. So, yeah, it’s just, it’s endless. I’m having a lot of fun putting myself in this position because I love to play games and I love sparking children and the change you can make I mean, if you can change a five-year-old’s mindset, that’s, their whole life is different Change in a moment. Just with a thought your whole life can change. So it’s never too late. I’m not going to say I would never give up on my 82-year-old neighbor. Oh, paul, thanks again for your time and I’ll put a link to your website in the show notes and this is available on YouTube. Please, everyone, if you can share this episode with a teacher, with a friend. You know I’m building my YouTube presence, so subscribe people, help me out. It’s just, it’s great and I just appreciate everyone’s attention. And again, thank you, paul.
Paul Zolman:
Thank you, julie, it’s been my pleasure.
